Coming Clean…
A dear group of friends and I recently went through a very sacred process in which we share what energy feels blocked between us. As I type, I feel that these words are such a soft landing compared to what the actual experience is like. It’s like comparing eating a bowl of soft serve ice cream with a cherry on top to climbing up a craggy, mysterious mountain.
Living in Hawai’i, I have come to appreciate the mountains. Driving the HI-61 from Waikiki to Kailua leads me up into mountains and through mountain tunnels. I am always filled with awe to witness and experience the rain and mist of Hawai’i that looms before and rests on the mountain peaks. That natural element, which is so nourishing, even as it can make it challenging to see what’s hiding behind the veil of water and vapor. Such is the natural element of conflict. I love when my mentor, David Wolf says, “living in community, there’s no chance there’s going to be any conflict….wrong!”
The element of conflict is formed by the meeting of challenging thoughts, experiences, assumptions, beliefs and judgments. These are things that all of us spiritual beings having a human experience share, and yet each of us experiences our unique mix and ratio of them. When these things, which make up our own reality and experience rub up against that which makes up the reality and experience of another, there can be an amalgamation that results in uncomfortable feelings. Feelings of separation can also result.
Often times, I find myself naturally preferring to shy away from sharing feelings of separation. I feel fearful considering certain possibilities such as…what if talking about it makes it worse? What if this only matters to me, will I be rejected? Will the relationship end? All of these questions, and more, tend to create more discomfort within me than the original impetus of my initial discomfort. This can easily lead to slipping into a downward spiral. Even if a downward spiral doesn’t full happen, I’m still experiencing discomfort, not only for feeling uncomfortable in being disconnected, which is painful enough. This is compounded by the fact that I know I’m not standing in my integrity.
To stand in my integrity means that I’m willing to have tough conversations in order to be authentic and honest about what’s happening for me. This can feel like a stretch, and it can often feel hard to do, especially if I care about the relationship and I want to maintain peace. I relate to what J.C. Ryle said, that “peace without truth is a false peace.” Jocelyn Soriano has stated, "truth can never be sacrificed in the name of peace, for there can be no true peace without righteousness.”
A false peace is built on deceit, that everything is “fine” when it’s actually not, and I’d rather act like they’re fine than admit the truth. When relationships are built on or allow the tolerance of lies and deceit things feel so heavy; this is unsustainable. So, ultimately, to withhold my truth and my feelings from someone I care about serves to gradually, and potentially ultimately, destroy the relationship, not sustain it.
So, I have a fresh sense of appreciation for the process my friends and I went through together to clear the space between us of what was there and, until now, unspoken. Feedback from our group included feelings of relief, love, being clean, connected, grounded, peaceful and powerful. I am reflecting on how much harder it actually was to carry the weight of my withheld energy and feelings for days, weeks and months than to simply speak my truth. What seemed to be the scarier, harder choice actually feels to me now like the obvious, easiest choice to make. Suddenly I feel like I have moved through the mist and the clouds into the sparkling sunlight overlooking aqua blue water. Clean, clear, refreshed.
Thank you for witnessing me in my process.