Reflections on Friendship Dynamics

Today I was reflecting on how I have hidden in different friendship roles in the past. What I mean by that is, I would unconsciously put myself in either the position of the one who has it all together and needs to fix someone else’s problems, or I was the mess who co-created another friend being in the role of relationship expert and fixer.

I recalled with fondness one friend in particular who I always felt loved and supported by. This friend was always available to me and was always encouraging and uplifting. She had achieved many personal goals in her life and was enjoying her experience as both a professional and a family woman of integrity and excellence. Clearly, she was the one who had it all together and I was the mess, as I felt lost and disatisfied in some of the professional and personal choices I had made.

The dynamics of our relationship unconsciously developed into my looking to her for encouragement and answers, because she was always readily providing them and I trusted her as she had achieved so much in her life. I aspired to be more like her in the ways that I admired her: to know myself, to be authentic and honest in all areas of my life with people, both strangers as well as those with whom I had cultivated relationship.

I had so much love and trust and admiration for this friend, and expressed this to her on many occasions. At least, I hope that I sent that message in a way that she understood. I valued her very much and appreciated our connection.

At the same time, looking back I can see how both of us were in those distinctive roles. I can definitely speak for myself in that I was really committed in my unconscious way of showing up as the “mess” ready to hear the ways my friend thought could solve my problems. This unconscious behavior was feeding into a belief I used to buy into-and one that I continue to heal and shift to this day-that I was no good at being and doing things the way others like my special friend seemed so adept and capable of doing and being. Especially when it comes to relationships and knowing myself and choosing what is best for me.

It turns out that, although I trusted my friend wholeheartedly and chose to take much of the advice she gave, many of the changes that I made only endured for a season, as they were inspired by someone outside of myself. I was not truly 100% connected to the reason I was taking those actions, and my faith as my friend as the expert in my life actually eroded my trust in myself as the true expert in my life.

I am so grateful to have realizations like this, as they help me not only to appreciate the love that is behind much of the advising and counseling of people who are dear to me, and to also acknowledge myself as the expert in my life. My connection with this truth has healed much of the broken trust I had within myself, and continues to support me in showing up in relationships in a more conscious way. I endeavor to show up authentically and vulnerably, while at the same time trusting myself as the expert in my life.

This is how I show up for my clients as well. I know that each of us has within us a compass that can tell us what path to take. And I know from experience, that while other people may be sincerely wanting to serve me with guidance from their compass, my choosing to blindly follow their compass and not mine does not lead to satisfaction or enduring change. This is why I love serving my clients in self-realization. Guiding them to hear themselves clearly, to hear how the compass of their heart is guiding.

Truth is heard in stillness, and when I consciously show up, choosing not to hide behind any role-friend, teacher, expert, coach-I am able to be calmly present for the other person so that we are able to create a beautiful stillness together, where the whispers of truth can be heard. Knowing the truth is liberating, and I am so grateful to know myself better and for those who have helped me learn to listen to my heart. I bless you all. Aloha to you.